Thursday, January 31, 2013

The End of the Beginning

I'm a bit sad to be writing this post but at the same time, it's past time for me to do this and it will lead to bigger better things.

This will be my very last blog post as A Wannabe Supermom. Go ahead. Shed a tear. Or not... It's been so long since I really wrote anything that most are probably wondering, "Who are you, again?"

I've been dragging my feet on this for a while but have known it was the right thing to do for months. I have grown so much since having started this blog that I am no longer the wannabe supermom that started it. I am not at all saying that I'm a Supermom. In fact, I'm so far from it that I've not even earned the cool one piece leotard that's part of the "uniform". I'm nowhere near getting the cape or the boots or the cool cuffs... Come on. You know you kinda picture the Amazon princess, Wonder Woman when you think of Supermom too! Well, that's what she looks like in my head... However, I'm no longer a wannabe. And that changes everything.

When I started this blog, my oldest was a little over 3, my son was almost 2, and my baby was just a few months old. Now, my oldest is almost 5, my son is about 3 1/2 and my baby is... well, she'll be two in about 5 months and she wont be the baby any more because very shortly after her birthday, Baby #4 will be born. Funny how I recently posted about how excited I was to be done having kids, huh? Yeah. I'm laughing...

When I started though, our family was going through some difficult times, my poor husband was dealing with a lot of stress at work and I was a hot mess. I had this idea of what a perfect wife and mother should be and I wanted with all my heart to be that ideal woman. But I was looking at other women and their strengths and comparing myself to them. And I felt like I was lacking in so many areas and that I was a terrible wife and mother and that they were so much better than I was. I wasn't looking at the right standard for how I should conduct myself as a mom. I also wasn't giving God credit for making me unique and enjoying being the individual that He created me to be. And that right there is where I made my biggest mistake and where I have learned (am still learning) the hardest lesson.

I stayed a sad "wannabe" for several reasons. First, I compare myself to others. I would look at other moms, other women and see all the awesome characteristics and traits and abilities they had and I wished I could be like them. And I wasn't. I'm still not. Before, it depressed me pretty bad. It made me feel inadequate, flawed, and childish. I really wanted to be a completely different person. Anyone but myself. The next reason was that I cared too much what others thought about me. Soon after starting this blog, a person that I was wanting to be friends with misinterpreted one of my posts, lashed out at me and totally crushed my spirit. Completely. I had another "friend" stop speaking to me all together because she didn't like my viewpoint on something. Crushed again. I was ignored by other moms because, of all the strange things, the shoes I choose to wear. At first this really bummed me out but I got over that one pretty quick because I was closer to this end of things than as when I started. Finally, I wasn't paying attention to what God expected of me as a mother. I mean, I knew that God had given me these gorgeous babies to nurture and train and love and grow into followers of His but I wasn't paying attention to how He wanted me to do that. I was more focused on what others thought I should be doing as a mom that I was paying almost no attention to His desire for me and my family.

Here's what it boils down to: I'm different and there's nothing wrong with that. God made me this way. And because He made me this way, with my own set of quirks and strengths and weaknesses that other may or may not posses, He expects me to use the personality and abilities that He gave me to be the best mother I can be to my children. My house may not ever be organized perfectly (although, I will say that becoming a Thirty One consultant has helped me in that area a LOT), I may have to send my kids to tutoring if they need help with math, there's no way on God's green earth that I could home school my children longer than pre k age, my own inability to filter my words in a certain way will probably ensure that my children will forever be saying embarrassing things in public and I probably wont ever be able to bake and frost cupcakes properly. However, chances are one or more of my kids will well read, may appreciate and excel in art and find beauty in the unusual, they may be able to become great public speakers or learn to hate cupcakes. God made me the way I am because He knew that that's what my children would need. Not some other mom. Not another woman. He gave me to my children just as much as He gave them to me.

This blog has been such a journey in ways that I never thought possible though. I have "met" and have been encouraged by some amazing women because of it. I found some amazing, supportive blogging communities along the road, found out about some books that have rocked my world, gotten to talk to others about my loving Savior and had a blast doing it. It was also therapy for me. So many nights, I would put the kids to bed, turn on my computer and just write. And it was awesome. Also therapeutic in ways like my posts about what we went through with my son being sick. I never realized how much emotion I had bottled up and tried to ignore until I wrote that first piece. Healing.

I still have a ton of growing to do though. I don't plan on stopping blogging for good. I enjoy it too much. However, it is time for me to put away the wannabe and emerge later, when God has prepared something else for me. I plan on starting another blog but need to take some time off, get closer to God and get His input/direction/guidance/blessing before I do. Once I do, I will post the link to the new site on here and then shortly after, shut this one down.

I really appreciate all of you who have gone on this journey with me. Those of you who have laughed and cried with me, who fought with me over certain issues I brought up on here and those of you who have encouraged me as a fellow mother, as a fellow Christian woman and as a friend.

So, I now say a bittersweet goodbye. Thank you for taking the time to read my posts and to those of you who responded. Thank you also to the wonderful women who gave me extra writing opportunities. You've been so very kind to me.

See... this is where having an actual cape would come in handy... I could exit in a graceful but awesome way by doing a cool spin and have the cape fly up behind me as I ran off into the night... Anyway...

Stay tuned because I will be back :)

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