When I started this blog, I kinda made a joke out of the whole "Wannabe Supermom" title. I wanted to be a part of an "elite" group of women who are fantastic mothers, who have happy husbands, well behaved and well rounded kids and who can do anything and everything under the sun. Like a stepford wife but with out all the fakeness. I made fun of the title but I wasn't joking about wanting to be one of those fabulous moms. It's pretty much my job. I am a wife and a mother and that's it. So I should and do want to be the best at what I do.
I didn't expect to become a Supermom over night. Actually, I pretty much figured that this would be a journey I was on till the day I die. I will never be a perfect mom and never expected to be. Doesn't mean I don't want to be. However, I never expected digression. I never expected to become a worse mother in the process.
When we had been going out for a few months, my husband got me a puppy. A beautiful female boxer which we named Stella. She was meant to be a companion for his (which became our) male boxer, Spike, and also to be a "tester". He said that we should first try raising a puppy and if we could accomplish that as a team, then maybe we could handle kids together. With that rational, I'm not sure why we ever thought it would be a good idea to have kids. She was a gorgeous puppy and she grew up into a beautiful dog. However, she has got to be one of the nuttiest dogs I've ever met. And it has taken us YEARS to calm her down and keep her on our property. I can't tell you how many times she's run away, how many crates she's broken out of, how much food she's stolen, or how many people she's flipped out on. She's a great dog now. Still a little nutty but good. I should have learned from raising her though that maybe I'm not really cut out for this whole "mom" thing like I thought I was.
Tonight showed me that I have more work to do than I realized. Tonight made me question my ability to be a good mom. I wont go into details. We'll just say that I'm "that" mom. The one who marches out of the church sanctuary in tears of embarrassment, dragging her kids behind her because one of them was SO bad during the Christmas program. Not being able to control my child in the least bit has made me wonder, "Why in the world did God think it was a good idea to give a woman like me a child... or 3...?" I've mentioned before that God doesn't give us more than what we can handle. He wont allow us to be tried or tempted beyond what He knows we are capable of dealing with. I wish I understood His thinking better. Because I have NO clue what I'm doing here. And its beginning to overwhelm me.
I used to suffer from some pretty serious depression. I tried therapy, medication, counseling and some more destructive means of "dealing". In one of my "sessions", I was once told that if I didn't like something about myself or my circumstances that all I had to do was change it. Well, I say the same thing about my (former) depression as I do with the current situation that I'm in. If I knew how to change it, I would. It's not like I want to be in this situation. I didn't know then what exactly was wrong and I don't know now what exactly is wrong (with my parenting). I have no idea how to control my outrageously unruly 2 year old. I can not express how many different approaches I've tried. It is incredibly frustrating.
Some people say it's a phase he's going through. Well, why didn't my older daughter go through this phase? You can't tell me it's because he's a boy because I have come across, very often, extremely well mannered little boys. It's not because he's being taught to be this way. The level of craziness that pours out of this adorable child is not shown or expressed or displayed in any means in his presence. Ever.
The part that makes it the hardest is that even though I was mortified at his behavior and ashamed that my child would act like that in public, I have to repress my anger and frustration and love him. It is not easy. I mean, it's much easier in the role of mother than it is as wife or friend. Seriously. If a friend of mine acted in a manner that embarrassed me to my core or was as disrespectful, I'd just end the relationship. Can't do that with my child. Don't want to do that with my child. Will never do that with my child. But I have to not only forgive him but not dwell on his actions and move on. I have to keep hugging and kissing and teaching and disciplining. Its really not that hard because he is my little boy. It is tough though to forget the frustration and level of mortification that I experienced this evening. I have to keep fighting though. He is my little boy and I do love him with all my heart and want what's best for him.
I guess part of me always assumed that I would eventually have a moment as a mom where I'd question my ability as a mother. I was a pretty rebellious and wild adolescent. My husband had his moments too. So I just figured that one, if not all, kid would do something so off the wall or so crazy that I'd wonder where I went wrong as a parent. I just didn't expect it to happen so soon.
I've got a lot of praying to do, a lot of soul searching and a lot of investigating to do. Taking a microscope to my parenting skills is going to be tedious. Being conscious of every little thing I say and do and possibly changing some if not all of those things is going to take a whole lot of time and dedication. I can't say that I'm really looking forward to it. However, I don't want to miss ANOTHER (no, this is not the first one we've walked out of early) Christmas program due to my uncontrollable child. I don't want to have all the parents at the library shoot me dirty looks as I try to quench another temper tantrum. I don't want the waitress to give bad service again because she is dreading cleaning up the mess after we leave. I'm not allowing these things to happen. I'm just unable to prevent them and end them.
Tonight is a hard slap in the face with the realization that I am STILL a wannabe and far from loosing that part of the title. Some one recently complimented me by suggesting that I could be considered an "expert in my field", that field being motherhood. I laughed then but cry now because I know I'm so far from it.
Tomorrow is a new day. A new chance to do things right. Another opportunity to be a good mom. Tomorrow, I will still be a Wannabe Supermom but I'll be one with a new resolution, a new determination and a few new goals.